Technofart

My mom gets these catalogs occasionally from Hammacher Schlemmer, Herrington, Sharper Image etc. which are all essentially the same thing: mail order companies selling high-end over-priced crap to people who don’t know any better and are unaware that these items can be had from online sites for significantly less.

They target different markets (Hammacher Schlemmer, by the preponderance of ‘oversized display’ and ‘memory improvement’ games/devices, seems to be targeting the senior crowds), but they’re all essentially the same. How many people reading this actually buy stuff from the Sharper Image stores instead of what most of us do: browsing through one at the mall while the gf is looking at clothes, leaving, then buying one of their products you saw in the store off ebay, amazon et al for way less than what they’re retailing it for???

Anyway, I thumbed through the one mom got in the mail today and decided there were plenty of dumbass gadgets in there that qualified as technofarts, so it would probably make for a pretty original blog post (scroll to the end if you want to see, by far, the best one: the secure outdoor cat run, aka ‘cat twinkie cage’):

1. The Flying Alarm Clock : Yeah, now when your alarm goes off in the morning you can be awakened by a spinning propeller bouncing off the ceiling and crashing into your face!!

“This digital alarm clock launches a rotor into the air that flies around the room as the alarm sounds, flying up to 9′ in the air, and will not cease ringing

until the rotor is returned to the alarm clock base, compelling even the most stubborn sleepers to get out of bed on time.

The alarm clock has a continuous snooze function that rings every seven minutes for an entire hour, an easy to read LCD, and a six-button control panel for ease of programming. 3 3/4″ H x 5 1/2″ Diam. (7 oz.) Item 73755 ………………. $39.95″

2. The H.M.S. Beagle Stormglass : For $180 you get some funky stuff in a glass that changes colors occasionally and said color changes may or may not possibly indicate impending inclement weather….hmmm, so you’ve never heard of the weather channel?

“This is the stormglass, a mysterious device used to predict weather since 1750, and employed by Admiral FitzRoy, captain of the H.M.S. Beagle, when he and his lieutenant, Charles Darwin, voyaged to the coast of South America and the Galapagos Islands in 1831 to conduct a hydrographic survey for commerce and naval expeditions by the British Royal Navy. Although how it functions remains a mystery, the stormglass’s ability to predict atmospheric change is well documented. One theory states that the stormglass responds to electromagnetic fluctuations caused by weather and solar storms. The contained liquida mixture of distilled water, potassium nitrate, ammonium chloride, alcohol, and camphorappears cloudy when precipitation is approaching; w hen crystals are visible in the liquid, humid or foggy weather can be expected; a cloudy glass with small stars indicates thunderstorms. The hermetically sealed glass chamber is housed in a handcrafted brass cylinder….”

3. The 9-inch Self-Sustaining Ecosphere : For $500 you get an organic smörgÃ¥sbord of bacteria and algae (but it’s special NASA algae!) in a glass bubble that you get to watch perpetually ferment on your desktop…

“A self-contained, self-supporting ecological system is permanently sealed within this 9-inch diameter, hand-blown borsilica glass sphere. Its careful balance of air, water, plant and animal life was developed as the result of years of NASA research into self-sustaining, bio-regenerative systems where the equilibrium must be maintained for long periods of time, such as long-term space stations. Inside, tiny shrimp feed on bacteria that metabolize organic waste into nutrients for the algae which, in turn, photosynthesize the oxygen needed for the shrimp and bacteria to survive. The life span of the shrimp is up to three years and that of the algae and bacteria is indefinite. 9-inch diameter.”

4. The Talking 12-Language Portable Translator : I realize some people may not see what the problem is here so let me explain: the issue is not with the device itself but with what people (Americans) will inevitably do with it, and that is instead of taking 20 minutes out of their day for a couple weeks to learn a bit of the language spoken in a country they’re going to travel to, they’ll just bring this thing along, type in ENGLISH (it’s so much easier that way!) what they want to say and then silently hold the gizmo in front of some poor native’s face while it spouts out what they want to say for them–this is extraordinarily rude, sadly typical of Americans, and I sincerely hope anyone that tries such a thing in a foreign country gets punched in the face…

“Portable Talking Translator
This is the most versatile talking portable electronic language translator, capable of translating 27,000 useful phrases and 240,000 words into any one of 12 languages…

–$199.95″

5. The Personalized Woven Photographic Image Throw : For only $100 you can have your sworn enemy’s (or you spouse’s) face put on a throw rug so that you can literally step on their face each and every day as you come and go. Kewl. (I realize they’re supposed to be hung on the wall but the fact that it’s still just a rug makes it stupid)

“This is the kit that allows you to transform a favorite photograph into a personalized 300″ sq. throw. Made of 100% cotton, the image you supply to the manufacturer is woven directly into the fabric. You will receive a kit with instructions which details the photographic specifications required for submitting your order. The throw is machine washable and dryer-safe, and the image will not fade.”

6. The Core Muscle Balance Board Trainer : A fancy way of saying ‘this thing that jiggles about while you stand on it and if you don’t move and jiggle with it you fall off–it’s a great workout!!’. Oh, and this mechanical jiggling thing costs $400…

“This training device helps you to exercise hard-to-reach core abdominal and oblique muscles while allowing you to improve balance and coordination without having to go to a gym (see it in action). The board has a non-slip platform with raised rubber toe and heel plates for better traction, and when mounted and activated using the remote control, the board pitches and yaws at three different speeds: slow, medium, or fast, forcing your abdominal muscles to contract in order for you to keep balance, resulting in a low-impact core workout.”

7. The Dermatologist’s Microdermabrasion Vacuum System : $200 Vacuum cleaner that sucks the dead skin cells off your face and then “depositing the powder and exfoliate [dead skin cells] in a sealed collection chamber that can be disposed of after four treatments”, so now you could even start your own dead-facial-skin-cells collection.

“Previously available only in spas and dermatology centers, this is the crystal and vacuum microdermabrasion system that produces healthier, revitalized-looking skin without having to schedule expensive dermatological or salon appointments. In less than 10 minutes, the system reveals radiant facial skin by drawing younger, newer cells to the surface, reducing the appearance of fine lines, minimizing the appearance of enlarged pores, and improving skin tone and texture. As the wand is drawn across the face, it deposits a fine powder of specially-formulated microdermabrasion crystals that exfoliate dead skin cells. When the wand passes over the newly exfoliated skin, the vacuum system draws the old cells and the powder away, revealing healthie r skin cells underneath and depositing the powder and exfoliate in a sealed collection chamber that can be disposed of after four treatments.”

8. The Professional Portable Massage Table : Just WHAT the hell do you need a $400 massage table that folds up into a brief case for?! Are you going to bring your massage table on vacation with you? Would you possibly show up a friends house for some beers and casually mention that you’ve brought your portable massage table with you and would they like a rub-down?!?! I think not! If anyone can think of any possible practical need for a PORTABLE massage table that folds up into a briefcase I’d love to hear it.

“This is the finest quality portable massage table available, and it is offered exclusively by Hammacher Schlemmer. Durable, lightweight, and easy to set up, the spa-worthy table unfolds in one motion, so theres never any struggling with connections, pin-lock systems, joints, or fittings. Three of the sturdiest wrap-around hinges (50% more than many tables) ensure smooth opening and grip the table halves tightly and securely. Full-length underside braces and a hardwood ash frame hold up to 500 lbs. (200 more than its closest competitor) and ensure a surface that wont sag…”

9. The Hovering Hoover Vacuum : Someone decided to stick a hovercraft onto a vacuum and came up with this – brilliant. So the point of this $270 floating sucking kettle-pot is, I guess, that it floats on a cushion of air making it easier to haul around the house? You know, as I see this thing functioning in my mind, having had a remote control toy hovercraft as a kid, I really think that it would tend to keep going, as hovercrafts tend to do, after you stop pulling thereby causing it to continuously bump into things, namely you.

“This is the advanced version of the classic durable stainless steel canister vacuum made by Hoover, renowned manufacturer of cleaning products for nearly 100 years, that floats on a cushion of air generated by its 12 amp motor, the most powerful available, allowing it to follow you effortlessly, unlike conventional wheeled canister vacuums that drag and are difficult to maneuver in tight situations. The deep cleaning turbo power nozzle automatically adjusts to varying carpet thickness, and the nozzles brush roll constantly lifts dirt and extracts the most deeply-embedded pet hair from carpet for easier suction.”

10. The Secure Outdoor Cat Run : This is definitely my favorite! Fluffy keep running away every time he goes out to play but you still want him to be able to go outside?? Ta-da: the twinkie-mesh cat cage is your salvation! Just put Fluffy inside along with the included sand-weights to keep him from rolling off then chuck his ass out the door for a few hours–he’ll have a ball spending the afternoon running back and forth from one end to the other wondering what the f*** he did to deserve this!!

“This cat run provides your indoor pet with a safe environment in which to run and play outside. The run has a sprung-steel frame that opens instantly, and it compresses easily to form a 62″ long strong nylon mesh cylinder, providing a cat, small dog, rabbit, or other pet plenty of space for exercise and fresh air. The run is anchored to the ground by sand pockets (sand not included) and steel pegs; any number of tubes may be zipped together to form longer runs. The run fits easily into its storage bag for travel. 62″ L x 18″ W. (3 lbs.) Item 73761 ………………. $49.95″

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